A new year beckons, but unlike in previous years, I am this year very sentimental as 2006 approaches.
I've lived 36 years. It has been an eventful 36 years, I can tell you that much. If you read my 35th year entries (35 and 35 (add)), it has had a good share of joy and sorrow, much like any other beings.
Still, for some reason, 2006 is like a corner for me. By October 2006, I'll be 37 years old.
I'll be 7 years behind my goal of financial independence by 30; it'll be 7 years from my first divorce, 3 years from my second; my darling daughters would be 12 and 10 respectively; the list goes on and on.
I was going through a multitude of what-ifs yesterday, as I lazed around the house. What if I's stayed married the first time? What if I didn't go ahead with the second marriage when she called it off 45 days to the event? What if I'd taken that job offer at the then Arab Malaysian? What if I'd taken that offer to return to acting? What if I's stayed on at ntv7? What if I had gone ahead with the cybercafe plans?
I didn't go through these feelings because I was unhappy; I was just trying to see if there were answers to these questions. Apparently not.
But many times I reminded myself that no matter what decision I took at whatever point in my life, it was today that mattered.
Today i.e. what worldly possessions I have (and therefore how I chose to deal with these possessions), what spiritual strength I have, what environment that I operate within, both socially, professionally and personally.
And each of these "todays" had its own list of items and sub-items a gazillion item long.
But each of them had a link.
And the one single link was Allah SWT.
Listen.
What I am today is through the blessings of Allah. What I have today is through the blessings of Allah. What I don't have today is also through the blessings of Allah, as He knows best.
I asked myself, perhaps for the FIRST time in my adult life; how many of the things that I have done have been because of Allah?
In Islam, you must do everything because of Allah. And thus if you fear Allah's wrath, you will not do things that He dislikes, and performs all that he likes.
The answer, unfortunately, is not many.
As a child I remember vividly of my fascination of His power. I remember looking at raindrops falling on the very large verandah at our home in Taman Aman PJ.
To me the rain was an awesome show of power by God. With that power was actually grace. For we all know what will happen if we do not have water.
I always looked in awe of the rising and setting sun; and the way the light bounces of the huge sky to create a colour play so fascinating that no work of art could ever replicate, or even come close to replicating.
I must go back to that feeling of awe. I must realise again, that I exist because if Him, and I must not feel that I am here because of any otehr reason but His grace.
I'll get there insyaAllah.
I've lived 36 years. It has been an eventful 36 years, I can tell you that much. If you read my 35th year entries (35 and 35 (add)), it has had a good share of joy and sorrow, much like any other beings.
Still, for some reason, 2006 is like a corner for me. By October 2006, I'll be 37 years old.
I'll be 7 years behind my goal of financial independence by 30; it'll be 7 years from my first divorce, 3 years from my second; my darling daughters would be 12 and 10 respectively; the list goes on and on.
I was going through a multitude of what-ifs yesterday, as I lazed around the house. What if I's stayed married the first time? What if I didn't go ahead with the second marriage when she called it off 45 days to the event? What if I'd taken that job offer at the then Arab Malaysian? What if I'd taken that offer to return to acting? What if I's stayed on at ntv7? What if I had gone ahead with the cybercafe plans?
I didn't go through these feelings because I was unhappy; I was just trying to see if there were answers to these questions. Apparently not.
But many times I reminded myself that no matter what decision I took at whatever point in my life, it was today that mattered.
Today i.e. what worldly possessions I have (and therefore how I chose to deal with these possessions), what spiritual strength I have, what environment that I operate within, both socially, professionally and personally.
And each of these "todays" had its own list of items and sub-items a gazillion item long.
But each of them had a link.
And the one single link was Allah SWT.
Listen.
What I am today is through the blessings of Allah. What I have today is through the blessings of Allah. What I don't have today is also through the blessings of Allah, as He knows best.
I asked myself, perhaps for the FIRST time in my adult life; how many of the things that I have done have been because of Allah?
In Islam, you must do everything because of Allah. And thus if you fear Allah's wrath, you will not do things that He dislikes, and performs all that he likes.
The answer, unfortunately, is not many.
As a child I remember vividly of my fascination of His power. I remember looking at raindrops falling on the very large verandah at our home in Taman Aman PJ.
To me the rain was an awesome show of power by God. With that power was actually grace. For we all know what will happen if we do not have water.
I always looked in awe of the rising and setting sun; and the way the light bounces of the huge sky to create a colour play so fascinating that no work of art could ever replicate, or even come close to replicating.
I must go back to that feeling of awe. I must realise again, that I exist because if Him, and I must not feel that I am here because of any otehr reason but His grace.
I'll get there insyaAllah.
Comments
we often only think of Allah when we are unhappy. it is unfortunate that it takes unhappiness to come to this realization, but if not for moments of sadness, and therefore reflection, we would not remember His greatness and our smallness, and that we are indebted to Him for our very existence.
i wish you the best in your quest to be closer to Him, and hope that the next time you reflect on life and where you are in it that you may be happier.
insyaAllah.